By Jillian Webster
Breakups are hard. They can affect your mental and physical health. Even cordial breakups leave you feeling lost and empty.
My last relationship ended in what others describe as an amiable way. We both hadn’t been happy for some time, so we sat down and discussed our feelings. My partner decided to move out. I asked him to stay, and he said being alone was best for him.
As much as it hurt me, I had no choice but to let him walk out the door.
My ex left the city we lived in, so he didn’t get the constant reminders of our broken relationship. Everyone I knew told me how sorry they were to hear about the breakup.
They tried to be supportive, but it felt like rubbing salt into an open wound. I wanted to forget that anything had happened.
I was upset, sad, embarrassed, and angry, feeling a range of emotions. But I knew that I had a choice to make. I could head toward self-destructive behavior or healing and growth.
Though the correct choice was obvious, it was still challenging for me to make. I needed to rebuild my habits and love myself again. I found my strength through meditation.
I already had a foundation in mediation. I had been practicing meditation regularly for six years. I have seen positive effects on my anxiety, stress levels, and productivity. I knew that I had the power to heal. I just needed to get out of bed.
It is OK to Mourn a Breakup
The first day in our empty apartment was full of mixed feelings. The stillness reminded me that I was alone. I felt alone. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want comfort. I wanted to feel miserable. I didn’t want to start my day.
I had built a routine of exercise and meditation. I would wake up early, run or do yoga, sit in my apartment, cool off, and meditate.
This routine seemed like an impossibility. I had a broken heart. I desired to wallow in my sadness. I didn’t want to be healthy.
So, I let myself have a day off while being aware of the dangers of breaking a habit. I know how easy it is to allow a healthy routine to slip between your fingers like so many grains of sand. I also knew I needed to listen to myself.
Finding the Will to Meditate
Finding the will to meditate was hard. Many people think that proper meditation is the absence of thought and that masters of meditation are capable of completely shutting down their emotions. In practice, it is the total opposite.
The purpose isn’t to stop your mind but to accept it. When you are in a heightened emotional state, the last thing you want is to be alone with your thoughts.
So, I broke it down into those two choices: self-destruct or self-love. I chose self-love.
Mindfulness and Meditation
One of the first things I learned about mindfulness meditation was that it doesn’t have to look like stereotypical meditation. Mindfulness is living in the moment, and the moment doesn’t have to be perfect.
I started small. I lay in my bed and let myself cry. I focused on the intensity of my tears. I noticed how my breathing lost rhythm.
Slowly, I was able to focus on my breath. As I started to regulate my breathing, I could assess my feelings. I noticed the relief I felt. I did feel better. My body was taking care of me through the act of crying.
Granted, I didn’t feel cured or happy, but I felt better. I felt like I could move forward. Crying using mindfulness practices opened the door for deeper meditation.
The Observer Perspective
If you have done guided meditations, I’m sure you have heard of the observer concept. The general idea is that in mediation, we can witness our thoughts and emotions without letting them take over our consciousness.
The observer perspective involves acknowledging thoughts without judgment. When I finally managed to mediate, this was my goal.
I sat with my thoughts, focused on my breath, and permitted myself to exist. When my mind drifted back to what I had done wrong or what I could have done better, I returned to my breath, which wasn’t easy. I spent the next few days building a new routine. Instead of focusing on fitness as I had in the past, I focused on mental wellness.
In the mornings, I would do some light stretching and settle into a timed meditation. I started with 10 minutes and would increase the time if I felt up to it. I set the same intention: to observe my emotions and feel love for myself.
Treating Myself with Love and Kindness
Eventually, I reached my goal through patience, mindfulness, and persistence. I ended each mediation with a big hug. I wrapped myself in my arms and said I love you. Eventually, I started to believe it.
This meditation approach helped me through this challenging time and changed my perspective on the purpose of mediation.
I allowed myself to grieve. I permitted myself to experience my feelings. I also gave myself a choice. I used mindfulness tools to solidify that choice in my mind. I was going to love myself.
I used the tools I honed in my meditation and mindfulness practices to reintroduce self-acceptance into my life. Mediation helped me naturally return to love and kindness.
The breakup still hurts. I don’t think losing love is something the body gives up lightly. But I know that I can accept and move on. I feel powerful.
About the Author
Jillian Webster has been on a journey to find peace in the chaos since 2016. Mindfulness, meditation, and yoga have helped them stay present. They have been writing as a passion since an early age and started a mindfulness blog (https://streetwiseserenity.com) in 2023.
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