By Dr. Bradford Stucki
Although enjoying a healthy relationship involves being comfortable around your partner, it doesn’t mean losing yourself to them. This is why setting boundaries is crucial for a healthy relationship.
But what are boundaries? How do they differ from expectations? Why should we enforce them? Answering these questions will change your views on healthy relationships.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the standards you set for yourself. They represent what you value and what makes you comfortable in a relationship with a partner, family member, friend, or colleague.
When properly enforced, boundaries help the person you’re with understand you more and relate to you in a healthy way that benefits you both.
What Boundaries Are Not
Boundaries aren’t walls that separate us; they create the framework that allows a healthy relationship to thrive. They’re also important for your physical and emotional well-being.
Many people confuse boundaries with expectations. However, expectations refer to what you expect people to do to accommodate you. Boundaries simply represent the rules you set for yourself.
Types of Boundaries
In any relationship, several types of boundaries exist to help us respectfully deal with one another. Crossing these boundaries turns a relationship toxic and eventually ruins it for good.
Emotional Boundaries
These rules define how you handle your feelings and what makes you vulnerable. They affect how you trust the other person and the whole relationship.
For example, an emotional boundary can be: “My partner shouldn’t make fun of me in public or around people.”
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries involve situations that affect your personal space and anything related to a physical touch.
A physical boundary in a professional relationship can be: “I don’t hug or kiss colleagues.”
Setting physical boundaries in an intimate relationship is equally important, too. Share what’s off-limits to you right off the bat to avoid putting yourself in an uncomfortable position later.
Time Boundaries
These boundaries refer to how much time you’re willing to spend doing a specific task.
Communicating a time boundary with your roommate, for instance, can look like this: “Have your laundry ready by [time] since I’ll be doing a wash then.”
If they don’t follow the boundary, they’ll have to do their laundry themselves.
Material Boundaries
It’s important to understand the boundaries between resources, possessions, and money in a relationship where two people live together or share financial responsibility.
For instance, you could say: “I’m willing to take on X expenses if you take on Y expenses” to avoid future confusion regarding where each of you stands.
Why Do Boundaries Matter?
They Promote Respect
When you communicate your limits in a relationship, you create an opportunity for the other person to show how much they love, respect, and trust you. If they value the relationship, they wouldn’t compromise it.
They Reduce Conflict
When two people set clear boundaries, there will be less room for misunderstandings and conflicts. Each one understands the other’s limits and what they view as acceptable behavior.
They Encourage Personal Growth
Boundaries encourage people to grow, knowing they’re safe in a relationship. Everyone knows they can pursue their dreams and goals without feeling controlled or suppressed.
Why Is It Difficult To Set Boundaries Sometimes?
People can feel that their boundaries make the other person sad, or they don’t want to appear too controlling. So, they let things slip, eventually feeling bad about themselves and resenting the relationship.
In other cases, miscommunicating your boundaries can make them difficult to implement. For example, if you simply tell your partner you like to sleep without being touched, they could think that you dislike their touch entirely.
So, always make sure you’re being specific and clear. For instance, explain that you have sensitive skin or get too sweaty while sleeping.
How Can I Set Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship?
Setting healthy boundaries doesn’t happen overnight. It takes some reflection and a lot of clear communication to ensure that other people understand where you stand.
- Start by asking yourself what you consider acceptable and what’s not.
- Take time to reflect on your relationships to consider areas that need boundaries and why they do.
- Use “I feel” statements when communicating your boundaries to the other person instead of “you should.”
- Consistently enforce your boundaries to ensure they aren’t ignored or overlooked. When this happens, clearly express your discomfort and repeat what your boundaries are to them.
Remember that a successful relationship involves compromise. Discuss your boundaries with your partner and be willing to find a balance that makes you both feel comfortable and safe.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries is the foundation of healthy relationships. They clarify what behaviors you find acceptable and where you draw the line.
While defining and asserting your boundaries may require practice, particularly if they have been challenged in the past, open discussions with others are key to ensuring mutual understanding and respect.
About the Author
Dr. Bradford Stucki is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with adults in Utah, Virginia, and Texas who have experienced trauma in their childhoods or trauma as an adult. Dr. Stucki also has expertise in treating anxiety and relationship problems. Dr. Stucki has specialized training in working with PTSD as well as couples issues. His private practice, BridgeHope Family Therapy is in Provo, Utah.
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